Office Politics

I do not include what goes on in the office on this blog, I would consider it unprofessional and after awhile I would loss the one reader that I have, BUT this time I think people should read this one. I have had a lot of problems in the past with bad management, but this office takes the cake.

I was called into my supervisor’s office this morning, which is normal after a long weekend. I think that they do this to either negate all the fun I have on the weekend, or they think of things to do to me while they are getting drunk from Friday to Monday, and then they implement it on Tuesday when I return to work from my normal three day weekend.

Either way, I know when they have something special for me, there will be two people in the office (one as a witness, as if they don’t trust me when they falsely accuse me, to not explode and scream back,) which is what happened today. I was called in and told to “have a seat,” which is code word for “I am going to try my hardest to make your life miserable.”

I was told that after work is over, I leave too quickly.

Yup that is right, I leave the office too quickly at quitting time. I was NOT told that I leave early (because I never have,) but that when it is time to go, I am too fast. I was told that I am now being trained to close the office so that I can do it, and that I need to walk with the ladies from the office, instead of sprinting to my car to avoid the people I don’t trust in the first place.

Go Figure.

I believe that this a plan to change my hours and most likely my job, that way I will be locked in the basement, and stay later than everyone else. We will have to see, but all I can say is this. . . I can not wait to get out of this office of petty, hateful, rude, and hypocritical women.

My Big Budda

SO. . .

This entry has been 29 years in the making, but I have to do it. Budda, you are awesome, thank you for all of your help.

I have been having problems controlling the spam that gets sent to this blog, and I gotta tell you, it is killing me. Every time I log in I have to remove about 60+ comments about how I can get medicine from Canada and/or how to fell better about my size. ENOUGH, I have Karma on my side. Actually I have SPAM KARMA 2 on my side, and I have to say, it feels good!

I have also perfected my Tannerite mixture and I have it down to where I can shoot a .22 round at it and it will explode, yet it is completely stable and legal. I do have to thank my brother for this one as well. He turned me on to Tannerite in the first place. My wife is a big catalyst in this due to her penny pinching that would make uncle scrooge jealous. She refused to pay anything more than 10 bucks for a pound. So I contacted the great guys in the Denver Field Office and SLC Field Office for some good LEGAL recipes, and I have not been disappointed. I am looking forward to getting a good amount (about 5 #s) and go shooting out here in the outback. It will be a great party.

So Budda, thank you for not killing me while we were children. It might have saved you many hours of annoyance, but you would never have had the chance to get the recipe for Tannerite lite. Cheers!

Jersey’s Alka seltzer Bomb

Monday evening I got a call that I changed my opinion about East Coasters. A man from New Jersey called and asked for some marketing advise. I don’t normally give any advise because people bring law-suits for the stupidest reasons, but that night I was bored enough to find out what he wanted.
Mr. Jersey wanted to know if there would be any practical use of a foot ball shaped “Alka Seltser Bomb.” He went on to say that he saw a small Seltzer Bomb in a cigarette shop in New York City and God told him that he could improve it to help humanity. (A seltzer bomb is a bag that has water and Alka Seltzer, you mix the two and it causes a small explosion of water, it is fairly harmless and more of a gag gift than anything else.)
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not mocking God, I believe that He talks to man, and that man can talk to God, but I don’t think that God in his pearly white sandals told Mr. Jersey to make a Seltzer bomb that would improve mankind’s existence.
asked Mr. Jersey why he would need something like that and of course he doesn’t answer the question, he just starts spouting something along the lines of “what if someone walks into a library and lights himself on fire? If the bomb is shaped like a football it would make it easier to throw and it would mean that the guy on fire would be put out by the water.”
I asked him who would walk into a library and light themselves on fire? Of course he answers and says, “A terrorist, who else?”
I (sarcastically,) tell him it is a great idea and that he should contact a marketing firm so that this could be used in libraries throughout the free world. I also tell him that he should be quick about it, because who knows when terrorists are going to figure out that the way to destroy western civilization is by lighting themselves on fire in a library.

Ben the Paranoid

I work with an older gentleman (a marine as well,) that is a riot. He is a good mate, and his personality is a perfect match for mine. Which honestly means that we both act like we are in Kindergarten when no one else is around. The guy’s name is “Sean.”
Every time we have a common crazy caller, Sean says something stupid like, “your girlfriend called again.” Or, “your boyfriend says hi.” At first this drove me crazy, and of course Sean did it more. The funny part is Sean has a frequent caller that is a serious nut job. The caller’s name is “Ben” and one night Sean accidentally gave out his name to Ben. Since then Ben has been incessant about talking to Sean.
Ben’s problem is that he has some type of chemical imbalance (as I am sure most of our crazies do). Ben was a Marine that fought in Desert Storm (91,) and he thinks that the government gave him a “plague three shot,” and that is what is poisoning him from space. (I am still not sure how that one works.) Thanks to Sean, Ben knows that we are both Marines, and that we are a little more wiling to listen to a crazy Marine over the phone, than we are with the other crazies.
Ben called tonight, normally it is a quick five minute call and then Ben is satisfied for the next twelve to twenty four hours, but not today. He called and asked for Sean by name. Of course Sean told Ben that he was busy and to hurry up. So Ben begins this tale of how he is the long lost son to the Hilton family, that he has “bad,” dreams about his sister Paris, and that he knows that the medical files showing that aliens exist are in Yuma, Arizona. Sean tells Ben that it is not a federal matter and that he is going to hang up. Ben hears this same line every day, so it does not really do much towards stopping the conversation. Ben then goes on to say that he wants to meet Sean in person. Sean of course tells Ben no. But Ben is a persistent guy, and says that he will buy Sean’s drinks and they can meet in a safe location like the VFW. Sean tells Ben something like “Hell no, Ben I am busy I am going to hang up the phone.” Ben for some reason thinks that Sean is acting this way because of me. So he tells Sean that it must be the “young buck” telling Sean to say no. At this point Sean is ready to hang up the phone.
Ben and I don’t get a long very well. The main reason is that I have had to listen to Ben when Sean is not working, and Ben has issues about not being a man. What I mean by that is Ben has to lie about his first wife, what he did or did not do in the Corps, his family, were he is travelling, what he had for dinner, and his relationship with women.
A good example of this is when Ben called our office and said something to the effect of:
“-How do you like them apples?”
Of course I said “what do you mean?”
Ben then goes on to explain that he has cut the cable that goes into his house and the FBI can no longer “spy” on him through his Television.
I then tell Ben that he is one of the dumbest people I have ever met and that the Bureau has no interest in an old Marine that was a truck driver during Desert Storm.
He of course becomes mad and swears up and down that he was a sniper, linguist, demolition technician, and a MP for the Corps.
tell him he is a liar and that it is not possible to be all of those things in just two years.
He becomes mad and says that I can suck his D***.
I tell him that I am hanging up. He starts saying that he is not less of a man because he was a driver.
I agreed with him and told him that he was less of a man because he is a liar, not because he drove a truck.
The phone call ended there.
Well tonight Ben asked to speak to me, and lucky for him I was felling super feisty. I wanted to get back at Sean for all the crap that he has given me for the promotion that I got. So as soon as I say hello, Ben goes into a tantrum on how I am taking away all of his friends and turning them against him. I tell Ben that I don’t care about his friends and that he doesn’t need any of my help to make people hate him. At this point Ben gets real quite, and that is a sign that he is about to say something that is either really funny or really crazy. Ben then asks why Sean won’t have a drink with him.
That is when in a brilliant stroke of mental might I tell Ben that Sean is dating some other crazy Marine that has nothing better to do than call the FBI and harass us about things that don’t really even matter in the first place.
Ben got even quieter. Sean started to laugh. I then told Ben that Sean really deep down loves his calls and that Ben should call more often. Sean stopped laughing. Ben starts laughing. I told Ben to be persistent and that Sean will eventually agree to meeting Ben. At this point Sean is ready to choke me and is going to the pull the cord out of the wall. At the end of the night Ben had called over 157 times. Each time he called we had to log his number, and each time he called I got a dirty look from Sean. I don’t know what he is going to do to get back at me, but I am sure it is something that will be worth writing about.

Crazy “Freedom”

I was working a crazy shift, which turned out to not be the only crazy thing going on that day. I had just worked a normal evening shift, had eight hours off, and then turned around and did a sixteen hour shift. Needless to say I was exhausted by that second day. I didn’t go home for the eight hours due to a one hour commute each way. So I laid in a hide-a-bed for over three hours trying to sleep. Little good that did!
In the morning I received a call that blew my mind. An older lady (mid fifties,) called and said that she was tired of how Judges act in her county. She then went on to suggest that the government set up a public standard for citizens and civil service personnel. I of course had to ask the stupid question of “What do you mean Public Standard?” She went on to say that her husband served in the military and that she liked how the bases were laid out, how people had to be responsible for what they did “or else,” (no joke, she actually said that,) anyone could check on anybody else, and ARREST them if they thought they were doing something illegal.
Now I am a Marine. I fought in as well as around the world. I understand how military bases work. I also understand how Stalin’s version of Communism destroyed millions of lives. They estimated that 1 out of 5 people in the Soviet States were informants for the KGB.
The caller then went on to say that she thinks that my agency (who I work for,) should print the “Standard,” frame it and require by law that it is hung “visibly,” in every house. She was excited at this point and I almost had to turn down my hearing aids just so that I could understand her. She thought that this plan would keep “them teenagers, Judges, Cops, and Miscreants,” in line and the world would have a better way of treating people.
I politely told the caller that her idea went against everything the constitution stood for, and that it could not be done. She then told me that when Hillary gets into office it would be easier to change the constitution and make people be nice. At this point every drop of blood in my veins, (all of which are patriotic,) started to boil. I don’t care who people vote for, but DO NOT vote for them because you think they can change the constitution. Vote for them because you believe in their political past, not their lip service.
I politely ended the call without pulling off her head or telling her that she needed to seek medical attention immediately.