Ben the Paranoid

Posted by Castel on January 23, 2008

I work with an older gentleman (a marine as well,) that is a riot. He is a good mate, and his personality is a perfect match for mine. Which honestly means that we both act like we are in Kindergarten when no one else is around. The guy’s name is “Sean.”
Every time we have a common crazy caller, Sean says something stupid like, “your girlfriend called again.” Or, “your boyfriend says hi.” At first this drove me crazy, and of course Sean did it more. The funny part is Sean has a frequent caller that is a serious nut job. The caller’s name is “Ben” and one night Sean accidentally gave out his name to Ben. Since then Ben has been incessant about talking to Sean.
Ben’s problem is that he has some type of chemical imbalance (as I am sure most of our crazies do). Ben was a Marine that fought in Desert Storm (91,) and he thinks that the government gave him a “plague three shot,” and that is what is poisoning him from space. (I am still not sure how that one works.) Thanks to Sean, Ben knows that we are both Marines, and that we are a little more wiling to listen to a crazy Marine over the phone, than we are with the other crazies.
Ben called tonight, normally it is a quick five minute call and then Ben is satisfied for the next twelve to twenty four hours, but not today. He called and asked for Sean by name. Of course Sean told Ben that he was busy and to hurry up. So Ben begins this tale of how he is the long lost son to the Hilton family, that he has “bad,” dreams about his sister Paris, and that he knows that the medical files showing that aliens exist are in Yuma, Arizona. Sean tells Ben that it is not a federal matter and that he is going to hang up. Ben hears this same line every day, so it does not really do much towards stopping the conversation. Ben then goes on to say that he wants to meet Sean in person. Sean of course tells Ben no. But Ben is a persistent guy, and says that he will buy Sean’s drinks and they can meet in a safe location like the VFW. Sean tells Ben something like “Hell no, Ben I am busy I am going to hang up the phone.” Ben for some reason thinks that Sean is acting this way because of me. So he tells Sean that it must be the “young buck” telling Sean to say no. At this point Sean is ready to hang up the phone.
Ben and I don’t get a long very well. The main reason is that I have had to listen to Ben when Sean is not working, and Ben has issues about not being a man. What I mean by that is Ben has to lie about his first wife, what he did or did not do in the Corps, his family, were he is travelling, what he had for dinner, and his relationship with women.
A good example of this is when Ben called our office and said something to the effect of:
“-How do you like them apples?”
Of course I said “what do you mean?”
Ben then goes on to explain that he has cut the cable that goes into his house and the FBI can no longer “spy” on him through his Television.
I then tell Ben that he is one of the dumbest people I have ever met and that the Bureau has no interest in an old Marine that was a truck driver during Desert Storm.
He of course becomes mad and swears up and down that he was a sniper, linguist, demolition technician, and a MP for the Corps.
tell him he is a liar and that it is not possible to be all of those things in just two years.
He becomes mad and says that I can suck his D***.
I tell him that I am hanging up. He starts saying that he is not less of a man because he was a driver.
I agreed with him and told him that he was less of a man because he is a liar, not because he drove a truck.
The phone call ended there.
Well tonight Ben asked to speak to me, and lucky for him I was felling super feisty. I wanted to get back at Sean for all the crap that he has given me for the promotion that I got. So as soon as I say hello, Ben goes into a tantrum on how I am taking away all of his friends and turning them against him. I tell Ben that I don’t care about his friends and that he doesn’t need any of my help to make people hate him. At this point Ben gets real quite, and that is a sign that he is about to say something that is either really funny or really crazy. Ben then asks why Sean won’t have a drink with him.
That is when in a brilliant stroke of mental might I tell Ben that Sean is dating some other crazy Marine that has nothing better to do than call the FBI and harass us about things that don’t really even matter in the first place.
Ben got even quieter. Sean started to laugh. I then told Ben that Sean really deep down loves his calls and that Ben should call more often. Sean stopped laughing. Ben starts laughing. I told Ben to be persistent and that Sean will eventually agree to meeting Ben. At this point Sean is ready to choke me and is going to the pull the cord out of the wall. At the end of the night Ben had called over 157 times. Each time he called we had to log his number, and each time he called I got a dirty look from Sean. I don’t know what he is going to do to get back at me, but I am sure it is something that will be worth writing about.